E. P. T.

You thought I meant a pregnancy test, didn't you! No uterus, no babies. In this case, EPT stands for extensive pep talk. Sorry to confuse or disappoint. If I was pregnant it would be newsworthy. Like medical journal newsy. 

Anyway, on to the E. P. T.:

Hey, you. You've got the world by the tail and aren't paying attention. You have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your belly, and supportive family and friends. You are fortunate. 

You have a son who loves you with every ounce of his complicated being, as evidenced by his inability to allow you to pee solo, sleep eight hours straight, or contemplate life without him. You are blessed. 

You have a job you've dreamed of having since you filled out your grad school application. You have the opportunity to be a giver of hope, provide new perspectives, and change lives. You are able.

You have a network of friends that spans the globe. You may not have seen many of these faces in many years, but the footprints they have left behind in your memories and heart remain fresh. These people have helped shape you into the person you are. You are embraced. 

You now put your head down every night beside someone who accepts who you are, inside and out. Who is willing and able to open his heart to you and your son. Who eases your fears and dries your tears and keeps you safe without demanding anything in return. Who you love beyond the sky, in ways you didn't know existed. You are loved. 

You are full of love and life and magic. You are capable and smart and inventive. You are snarky and vulnerable and a tornado and a calm breeze. You are your dreams, not your nightmares. You are strong and sincere and true. 

And you forget this. 

And it's hurtful. 

And unfair. 

And ridiculous. 

Stop forgetting. You are worth every word. 

She can be taught! Installment Uno!

I decided in the middle of my funk today that I was going to start a weekly list of all the things I learned throughout the week to make the crap salad I was force fed the last few days all rainbows and unicorns and silver line-y and all that. Note: this list is compiled entirely from the kids I work with. (I am a therapist at a community mental health center and I work primarily with kids. My head spins all.day.long. I pink puffy heart my job.)

We'll see how this goes. Something tells me probably nowhere near I intended. As with most of my ideas. I digress. As usual. Anyway.

1.  I need a haircut really badly. He (and he's five, mind you) also told me I might consider "Put some brown on your hair that isn't brown, Miss Kelly. Hair is supposed to be all one color. Like mine." Mmmhmm. Thanks, kid.

2.  I look like a Queen! Also? If I would put a crown "right there" I would look "just like a queen! Not a princess. Princesses are young like me. And you're old. So you would be a Queen." Awesome.

3.  I'm annoying and I get on people's nerves. I KNOW! I gasped just as loud as you just did! "Miss Kelly, since we're practicing telling our feelings in a way that isn't hurtful? I just wanted to let you know that sometimes you're really annoying and you get on my nerves. Is that how I'm supposed to do it? Did I hurt your feelings? I hope not, but you really can! And do! But you're kind of awesome." Um, thanks? And no. And not really, but this is kind of awkward, and thanks. I know.

4.  Pieces of paper don't mean you're smart. "Miss Kelly, I think I'm smarter than you are, and I'm only 6. I know you have dergrees and stuff, but I know a lot." Teach me, Obi Wan.

5.  I don't color worth a crap. "You missed a spot." "You can see your marker lines!" "Did you take art in school?" Yes. "Are you sure?!" Yes. "Really?!" "TYRONE'S SHIRT IS NOT RED AND BLUE IT IS ORANGE AND BLUE! I THOUGHT YOU HAVE KIDS! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS!" Everyone's a critic.

6.  I have no taste. "Miss Kelly, you sure got a lotta crap in your office." Michael, I'd like for you to say that again with appropriate language and in a way that isn't hurtful. "BUT YOU DO! THERE'S CRAP EVERYWHERE IN HERE! I MEAN STUFF! THERE'S STUFF EVERYWHERE IN HERE! Is that better?" Um, kinda.

7.  Expect the unexpected. "Miss Kelly, I need to go potty." Okay, let's go! "Oh, I mean I needed to go potty. I did go potty." On my couch? "Kinda. And kinda on the floor. And in my shoe." Siiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhh...

Gee! I wonder what sorts of life lessons will be lobbed at my face like a knuckleball next week?

Or in about five minutes. Since Shortpants is ninja quiet...

Where I Need Smacked - With a 2x4

I'm having one of those days where the minutes are creeping by and I have nothing to do, and all I want is to be entertained and no one is posting on Facebook, and I'm not getting any new emails, and my child is keeping himself occupied (!!!), and no one is texting me or calling me, and wait...

I'm seriously complaining that the weekend is going slow and that no one is bugging the everloving crap out of me?

Someone slap me.

Hard.

P.S. That up there? Full of lies. There's always something to do. Like laundry, or dishes, or more laundry. If I was independently wealthy, I'd have a laundry boy. Or girl. I'm not picky. I'll even wash. Just fold and put away for me and I'll worship the ground you walk on.

Chasing that elusive "Me Time"

Oh Kelly, quit your complaining.... you have ONE kid who is generally in bed by 8:00. What's the problem?

The problem is I'm exhausted. Therefore, Shortpants and I have the same bedtime lately. Well, I'm in bed at a decent enough time, but asleep? Pfft.

Our day starts in the dark. I hit snooze until I can't squeeze anymore minutes out of "Okay, if I don't leave in X minutes, I'm going to be late", stumble to the shower, while in the shower decide to wear pants so I don't have to waste time shaving, get out, throw some gunk in my hair to make it look like I meant it to be that way, attempt to conceal the bags and sags and zits, and then... head to his room.

This is where it is different every day. Some days I hear happy jabbering (Yay! This morning is going to be eeeeeeeeeeeeeasy peasy!). Some days I hear the cutest snoring on the planet (This could prove interesting. I have a 50/50 shot as to how he's going to wake up - smiles or screams. Crap.). Some days I have heard him hollering way before my alarm was ORIGINALLY set to go off - and let's be completely honest here - I stick my nose in his door and take a huge sniff to make sure it's not pants related before I say "Just a second!" and go take my 3 minute shower.

I know what you're thinking. Really, I do. Because I think the same thing. But if you think a tornado has anything on my kid, you're wrong. Very, very wrong.

Also? Shortpants is on the Autism Spectrum - on the severe end. He doesn't speak, and he still sleeps in his crib. I know he's four. That's another post.

Usually (key word right there), I say "Good morning, Sunshine! Let's get ready for schoooooooool!" (because THAT's not annoying first thing in the morning) and he'll head to the door in his pajamas and 8 lb pullup. It's a good sign though, because getting him dressed shouldn't be too much of a fight. Half of that is managed because we still have temperatures that are equivalent to living in a volcano, so we don't have to deal with socks. Ask me later. I don't have the strength.

Anyway, he's either cooperative or he's not. Duh. Just like any other kid. And then we figure out what we want for breakfast (cereal or cereal - in a cup, because milk can't touch it - and that's fine, because it's commute-friendly), and THEN? It's meds time.

Holy Hand Grenades, I wish this wasn't an option, but life pre-meds? Neither my heart nor my brain will consider it for a second. I think he understands these help, but he hates taking them, unless they're covered with butterscotch pudding or strawberry yogurt. And even then, it's a chase around the house, and lots of attractive begging and pleading from me, and "Just one bite!" gets said about a thousand times, and the mouth will open! And the spoon gets shoved in! And then... well... the last couple of days we've figured out that we have two options - spit or swallow. And spitting has been the favorite lately, much to my dismay. But there are times that I'm pleasantly surprised, like today, for example.... he's been a complete trainwreck all morning, but I didn't even have to ask him to take his medicine, he stood there like a little baby bird waiting for his mama to give him something to eat. (Aww.) That's the last thing he's been cooperative about this morning, but hey - one is better than none, right?

We get in the car, and head down the road - still in the dark. We have a 2.5 hour round trip commute. Yeah. Awesome. And we listen to a combination of Phineas and Ferb, The Backyardigans, Laurie Berkner, and thrash metal on the way. (Well, after an hour of those three, my brain is bleeding, S.I.M.P. SQUIRRELS IN MY PANTS is permanently stuck in my head, and I might as well have listened to thrash metal all the way as much as my head is throbbing.). He goes to school or daycare, and I get back on the highway to go the last 25ish minutes to work. Which is when I turn on usually a country station and daydream about Blake Shelton. Or Luke Bryan. Or Jake Owen. Oh, Jake Owen.... you're so hot....

I digress. Off to work, save the world, try to remember who is picking Shorty up (because no daycare will stay open past 6, and when do I get off work? You guessed it.), and head home. Monday through Thursday, I drive home alone. Yes, I guess that's technically "me time", but since I have to get home and I have to drive - my definition of "me time" doesn't include any "have tos". Get home, dinner, bath, bed, collapse.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Ideas? Thanks in advance.

Love,

A Mom who would love to actually know what's on tv this season, or what's going on in the world, or have a hobby, or know what other adults do past 830 at night.

Awesome/Suck... Not to be confused with Face/Off.

Garage sales where you make BANK.

So, okay, the garage sale didn't so much suck - as I twiddled my fingers a la Mr. Burns and counted my Benjamins, er, Lincolns (dolla dolla bill, y'all), but the getting ready for the damned thing? Please find the following list of situations I'd rather find myself in rather than doing that again. Ever.

1. Have bamboo skewers inserted under my fingernails.
2. Be hung by my toenails (a threat commonly uttered by my Grandpa, and terrified me as a child. I now know better, but still, that would definitely suck.)
3. Poke myself in the eye with a fork.
4. Get tased, Bro!
5. Be forced to watch a marathon of Calliou episodes. (Or Super Why. Make it stop. Please.)
6. Learn that coffee is a figment of my imagination.
7. Have my ex-husband move in next door.

Have I made my point yet? Getting ready for this garage sale was like being served the world's largest shit sandwich and being forced to eat every bite before dessert. First of all, there were literally hundreds of pieces of itty bitty kid clothes and toys to arrange artfully (evidently just throwing shit in a bunch of boxes and letting people go through them isn't okay. Who knew.) and it was eleventybillion degrees with infinity plus one percent humidity. That, and every mosquito in the tri-county area was trying to get in my pants. (No lie. I have a ridiculous amount of skeeter bites on unexposed skin. Little fucking perverts.) I'm not sure exactly how they stuck onto my leg to even bite me, as I was unsure if I was sweating or someone sprayed me down with the garden hose. Oh, wait. I smelled like pickled skunk ass, so it definitely wasn't the hose.

Anyway, we decided to put things out the night before, since it wasn't supposed to rain, but as much dew that covered all of my stuff, it might as well have. Whatever. I wasn't going to do shit at 4 am but sleep, hopefully, so I wanted to get as much done the night prior as possible. It. Was. Miserable. And then I forgot to set my alarm clock. And then my mom left the money bag outside while we took a short nap. (None is missing, thank you citizens of my tiny town for being so fucking rad!) And I still have a shit ton of nauseatingly cute onesies and crap left, so there very well may be a part deux... especially since I made enough for a car payment and a half today. Can I get a wut wut? (Oh, it's not cool to do that anymore? Are you also insinuating I should stop doing the sprinkler and cabbage patch when I dance? Damn it. No, I don't know how to Dougie, in case you were wondering.)

And because no day is complete without something to say WTF about, I might have broken my finger. At a garage sale. Who manages to do that? Me. I swear, I'm the Napoleon Dynamite of Indiana Street.

In all seriousness:

I'm really struggling today.

I'm going through boxes of Shortpants' clothes, preparing for a massive garage sale. It is beyond time that this is done, but I've put it off for so long because I knew how emotional it would be. And I'm talking levels of emotion here.

Level number 1: My little guy is four. FOUR. Holy crap. FOUR. It's not hard for a second to remember him tiny, and squishy, and wiggly, and screamy, and AWAKE, but it's just a reminder that my boy is a big kid now, and I just don't like it one bit.

Level B: It takes me back to a life that no longer exists. When his dad and I were married. When I thought I was happy. When I thought I was doing all I could to be the best mom and wife I knew how to be, and it wasn't enough. When I couldn't see the forest for the trees. When I was working so hard to keep my head above water and make sure my kids were first and foremost, as they should be, and that wasn't enough.

Level III: I'm done having babies. As in, I can't have any more babies. After a hysterectomy this summer (more on that another day), this oven is closed for business. And it's a really good thing and really sucky all at the same time, and another another day, when my thoughts aren't jumbled by the massive traffic jam going on in my brain right now, I may attempt to decipher my thoughts and emotions surrounding that. I just don't have the energy today.

It also takes me to a time before the Autism diagnosis. When I was worrying about his development and his doctor wasn't concerned, and I knew something wasn't quite right, but we just kept on l-i-v-i-n, because as I mentioned above, keeping my head above water and fighting my anxiety and depression that follows me wherever I go in check was almost more than I could handle.

I know it's just stuff. I get that. But just like smells can spark a memory, so can his tiny little socks and badass shirts (that a certain someone told me I probably shouldn't send him to daycare in again...lol). I can't wipe out those memories, for unlike people who come and go in and out of our lives, memories stay.

I should mention that I am the happiest I have been in years. I am in a relationship with someone who has shown me what love truly is - what it means to love fully and to be loved fully in return. I have a son who is the light of my life, and I am so honored to be his mama.

Today just kind of sucks though.

That's all.

And then...?

Something happened earlier this week that I don't think has ever happened before in the history of me. I was getting ready for work, kind of running behind, tripping over the kid, trying to make a mental list of all the shit that I can't forget (because I am not organized and do that at night because I like my sleep) and I looked in the mirror.

Okay. I  have looked in the mirror before. Sentence structure and thought development probably should happen AFTER coffee is consumed.

So I looked in the mirror. I have a  habit of putting my pjs back on and doing my hair and make up. For two reasons: 1) My pjs are ugly and grandma-y and fucking COMFY, and B) there's a 99.99% chance I'll wind up with mascara, toothpaste, and somehow yesterday's breakfast on my work clothes. I'm not one for hanging out around my house naked, and the kid thinks belly buttons are fascinating and will attempt to try to use mine as a hiding place for some random toy, so no.

Hair? Cooperated! Makeup? Bags and zits (wtf, I'm 36 years old, take a fucking hike already) covered! Do I look..... good? Borderline sexy?!? I DO! Holy shit! Even in my grandma jammie pants, white Hanes t-shirt (tagless, thankyouverymuch Michael Jordan), no bra and my test tube boobs just kind of dangling... I. Felt. SEXY.

And then? I found a gray nose hair.

Good feeling gone.

Of course.

Please Hold For A Very Important...

Fuck you.

Ahh.... I love the smell of telemarketers at bedtime.

Dear Businesses of America (who rarely hire Americans in their call centers),

There's this little thing called the No Call List. I happen to be on it. My cell phone is registered. My house phone is registered. Yet, you still call me. It's not the Call Me Maybe Call List, or the Call Me When I'm Doing 163 Other Things All At The Same Time Call List, but the NO call list. I'm pretty certain that I looked a lot like this when you called earlier, Acme Asshole Business (Don't worry, Discover Card, I won't tell them it was you. Or that I don't have a Discover Card for you to be calling me about. Oh. Wait.):

Yep. That's exactly what I looked like.

And really, before anyone gets all Judgy McJudgerson up in mah face, I know that Acme Asshole Business(es) are helping the unemployment numbers by pissing me off on a regular basis. It's a job, I get it. However, you call me at a rather inappropriate time, I can't guarantee I'm going to be Sweetie McSchmoozie to you. Like when I just got Shortpants to shut the hell up and go to sleep (without Samuel L. Jackson's help thankyouverymuch). I might have sounded a little something like this minus the smile and perfectly coiffed hair:

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. June Cleaver, I am not.

In closing, to all the Acme Asshole Businesses out there - stop calling me without a legitimate reason. And if you perchance do happen to have a legitimate reason, I dare you to call me when my kid is actually asleep. I can't be held responsible for my actions, should such shenanigans by your company occur. Again. Dicks.

Ya heard?