Where I Pretend To Be Dear Abby Without Anyone Asking Me For Advice.

Okay, online dating. Millions of people do it. Thousands have found love. A few are probably still married to each other. I met my ex-husband online, and, well, ex-husband. However, if it works/worked/is working for you, yippee! I, on the other hand, am slightly skeptical due to experience. I am no online dating expert, but I happen to have a wee bit of common sense. So, without further ado, here are some tips that, if taken, may prove helpful. 

Disclaimer: This isn't about anyone in particular. If you can associate yourself with any of this - sorry, I'm not sorry. 

Don't be a dick about it. It's supposed to be funny.

1. If you’re ready to put it all out there on the interwebs, please, put it all out there. Truthfully. No holds barred. If you are in your 30s and have a booger collection, this is something I need to know before I consider responding to your wink or email with interest.  If you are looking for specifics, please say so. 
2. Don’t say “any body type” if you plan on not talking to me if I don’t have the physique of a CrossFit trainer.
3. Remember: you CAN be picky. Online dating gives you an opportunity to filter out your undesirables, if they were honest when filling out their profiles. However, if you are looking for someone who, like you, only listens to Pearl Jam – well, best of luck to you in your search.
4. Remember: you CAN be picky, but don’t be a dick about it. If someone doesn’t trip your trigger, move on. You don’t need to message someone (just because you paid for 6 months of the service in advance) to tell someone they need a nose job or going to the gym wouldn’t kill them.
5. Diversity is a good thing. Even if it doesn’t work out, you may find you do, in fact, like music other than Pearl Jam.
6. If you aren’t sure you want kids, or know you don’t, you may not want to look at potential partners who have children, especially when they live with them full time. Duh?
7. If someone takes the time to shoot you a message, especially a complimentary message, write them back and thank them. It’s a compliment, whether you’re interested or not. It’s called manners. Besides, you don’t know how long it took someone to muster up the courage (or how much they had to drink) to send that message.
8. Don’t expect the clouds to part, the angels sing, or someone to feel comfortable giving you their cell phone number after three days’ of messaging back and forth. Think about why you’re trying the online format of dating in the first place – a shitload of folks online have been burned before and probably want to start casually.
9. If the clouds don’t part, the angels don’t sing, and someone doesn’t feel comfortable giving their number or taking yours, it is probably nothing personal – they’re just not ready. Throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make them change their mind, but it may likely become personal, leading them to block you and file a restraining order.
10. Making new friends is a good thing. If someone isn’t interested in you romantically, don’t be a dick. (Do you sense a theme here?) Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go (pun intended), but friends are assets we all want and need.

If the above seems just too much for you to consider, well, you still have options. Most likely continuing your asshattery and dickery while remaining alone, or finding a mail-order-bride. Best wishes!